HAPPY NEW YEAR...

Okay... What the - - - I don't understand. Someone PLEASE explain to me. . . How the hell can that kid with the freaky hair-doo is STILL sticking around on American Idol? America. Please vote this kid outta there. I know I can't sing but I know I can sing better than that kid. The aggravation of American Idol tonite actually eased the aggravation I've endured reading the stupid name calling, accusations and crap on the forums here for the past four months. Why write a column, partake on forums or do anything to contribute to what people are just looking to shit on anyway.

But after flipping off Randy, Simon, Paula and the metro-sexual Ryan Seacrest, I figured its time to get back into the swing and just brush off the other stuff and let's try and have some fun this year. The first good tourney is only a week away. Over the winter I think I may have figured out the 5 main reasons most of us play softball and they fall under these 5 categories.

#1. Still athletic and have a competitive fire to compete.
#2. Just want to get out and play games with the boys.
#3. Enjoy sports and look at softball as a way to get a little exercise in.
#4. Work sucks and you need to get away from the wife at least 2 nights a week.
#5. You actually think the Boston Red Sox are looking to fill that hole on the injured reserve and you think you'll actually get the call up to the big leagues.

Sure there may be a combination of two (maybe even three reasons) why we put on silly pants, spike up our hair and chase a softballs for one hour 2x a week (and the occasional weekend) but after checking-in on the message boards and talking to guys, I think I can breakdown just what kind of people fit into these categories. . . For example. . .

Reason #1. There are some great athletes, with skills who still have the competitive fire to play sports. We accept the fact that the Red Sox won't be calling, but the thrill of competing for a league or state championship or traveling to Florida for a World Series against the best 100 teams in the country gets the juices flowing'. These guys take it serious, they know how to play, are fun to watch and their phones ring first when people are looking to put a team or a softball trip together.

Reason #2. A great combination with reason #1. You play to win but accept losing happens, but after the game you share a beer with guys from both teams and hang around with the boys. And if your team isn't into traveling the country, you still think winning your league championship would be 'pretty freakin' cool'. It's always good to have the braggin' rights. Just ask the 40+ over Governor Cup Champs - or was that a 35+ team Frank?

Reason #3. I don't think people show up to play softball as a way to substitute an hour in the gym, but I think the combinations of reasons #1, 2 and 3 are where the best players and best teams play. You have guys who can play, want to play, are good at softball and generally find some way to stay in somekinda shape - and have fun too.

Reason #4. This is where the line of competitive fun and "you are here for the wrong reasons" gets crossed. No one likes an angry ball player (Been there - Done that). I think if you have issues with your job, maybe your wife/girlfriend is a bitch all the time, maybe you're just too high-strung - whatever - but to these guys winning a softball game is a very big deal. No one wants to be a loser in the office, at home, in the bedroom and on the softball field - that's four strikes.

Reason #5. The wanna-be professional. The funny thing is that these guys are usually not even the best player on their team. I'm not going tell these guys the dream is over because they won't listen and they really think the $1 million contract is coming any day to them. These are the guys who usually don't have fun. They just go home after a loss and usually won't hang out for a beer or anything. They blame their teammates for the fact that Terry Francona didn't make that call this week. Then when they get home they get on a website forum, hide behind anonymous screen names and jealously trash everyone from the better ball players to the guys running the leagues. Someone with a combination of reasons 4 and 5 just make for a bad situation and a miserable person whose probably not a very good player anyway (speaking of that - has anyone seen Joe Smith? I'm still looking for that chicken@ss mutha F@c. . . . . . . . . Ah-hem. Excuse me. As I was saying. . .

So please. Let's all just try to have fun with softball this year and join me in voting Sanjaya off American Idol next week. That kid is just killing me man! And while you're at it - send a vote into Melinda Doolittle. You Go Girl! (2-snaps inserted here) DAMN She can sing!!!.

If I have to listen to that hairy kid one more time I'll be a miserable #5. Speaking of hair, next week (if I can get the release forms signed) I'll share some of the 'hairy' stories we've see on some softball trips - everything from body hair clogging pool drains, guys shaving their asses, to guys losing bets and being waxed like the 40 Year Old Virgin!. . .

Funny stuff - now that's what softball is all about! Later. Tim